Phantom Poop Ninja

The video below has a riviting, breaking news story out of that hotbed of ninja controversy: Idaho. It seems someone has been leaving special presents all over town, most notably under highway overpasses and near a Denny's. We'll refrain from delving into the intricacies of Denny's/Poop correlation theory, but needless to say, some people are offended by this. Furthermore, they have deliberately been trying to catch the perpetrator but to no avail. With my superior knowledge and wisdom, I know this is not a crazed vagrant nor a bleeding-edge artist, but just a ninja with some bad diarrhea. Our sympathies are with you ninja brother, may you accomplish your objective and thereby find a more peaceful place to poop.

If I had to guess, I'd say his target was a Denny's regular or employee. Probably that fat lady in the video. Good luck with your 'pooper stakeout' guys.

Gore Vidal Doesn't Play Around

Gore Vidal, being the snarky old codger he is, was no-doubt forcibly sat down and questioned against his will by Deborah Solomon of the NY Times. By the way, Deborah Solomon anagrams to 'Honorable Sodom' so mull that over while you read through. The entire deposition is posted here in her Questions For series, but in the interest of internet redundancy we'll also post it below. We imagine that after the interview, Gore Vidal drank a fifth of cheap vodka, punched some strangers, and then had a nice restful sleep before getting up and repeating the process the next day.

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Q: At the age of 82, you will be publishing your new collection of essays this week, which seems likely to confirm your reputation as one of America’s last public intellectuals. Why do you think that critics have traditionally praised your essays more than your fiction, which includes “Burr,” “Myra Breckinridge” and 20 other novels?
A: That’s because they don’t know how to read. I can’t name three first-rate literary critics in the United States . I’m told there are a few hidden away at universities, but they don’t print them in The New York Times .

Are you saying your novels have been critically neglected?
I don’t even read most reviews, unless there is a potential lawsuit on view. I’ve never had much attention paid by critics — nor has anybody else in the United States of America, as Mr. Obama likes to call it.

And what about Mr. McCain?
Disaster. Who started this rumor that he was a war hero? Where does that come from, aside from himself? About his suffering in the prison war camp?

Everyone knows he was a prisoner of war in North Vietnam.
That’s what he tells us.

Why would you doubt him?
He’s a graduate of Annapolis. I know a lot of the Annapolis breed. Remember, I’m West Point, where I was born. My father went there.

So what does that have to do with the U.S. Naval Academy down in Annapolis?
A: The service universities keep track of each other, that’s all. They have views about each other. And they are very aware of social class and eventually money, since they usually marry it.

How, exactly, is your cousin Al Gore related to you?
They keep explaining it to me, and I keep forgetting.

What about your grandfather, Thomas Gore of Oklahoma?
He invented the whole state. It was Indian territory. There was no state until Senator Gore.

In 1968, during the Nixon-Humphrey race, you became the voice of liberalism in a series of televised debates with William Buckley. Any plans to be a pundit at the coming presidential conventions?
No.

How did you feel when you heard that Buckley died this year?
I thought hell is bound to be a livelier place, as he joins forever those whom he served in life, applauding their prejudices and fanning their hatred.

You live in California , where last month the State Supreme Court overturned the ban on same-sex marriage . As someone who lived with a male companion for 50-plus years, do you see this as a victory for equality?
People would ask, How could you live with someone for so long without any problems of any kind? I said, There was no sex.

Were you chaste during those years?
Chased by whom?

Are you a supporter of gay marriage?
I know nothing about it. I don’t follow that.

Why doesn’t it interest you?
The same reason heterosexual marriage doesn’t seem to interest me.

If we look at the situation apart from you
— It’s my interview, so we’ve got to stay with me.

Have you ever considered leaving the United States permanently?
No, it’s my subject.

Do you read a lot of contemporary fiction these days?
Like everyone else, no, I don’t.

Anyone in the 20th century you might have a kind word about?
Yes, I liked Italo Calvino, and I thought he was the greatest writer of my time.

Your new collection includes an essay in which you note, “Calvino does what very few writers can do: he describes imaginary worlds with the most extraordinary precision and beauty.” What about American novelists?
Can’t think of one.

Norman Mailer?
Oh, dear, we’re not going to go into pluses and minuses now.

Philip Roth?
Ditto.

I admire Roth. He never became complacent.
He had no reason to. He’s a good comic writer.

What do you think is your own best novel?
I don’t answer questions like that. Ever. And you ought not to ask them.

Well, it was a great pleasure talking to you.
I doubt that.


Interview Conducted, Condensed and Edited by Deborah Solomon

The Most Secret Spy System

Google Video and Youtube are hosting the entire History Channel episode of 'History Undercover' in which they explain the Echelon spy system. There's a few funny claims like Echelon is so super secret that no one inside the government will acknowledge it even exists. Which leads one to reason that this is either a blatant lie and the evidence is confirmed in some official manner, or the History channel has absolutely no solid, journalistic basis for this story and is literally just broadcasting unadulterated bunk. Chances are, they probably are just making it up. The government paid off the History Channel to do an "exclusive" and then put together a bunch of old scenes from telephone operating centers and early ARPANET systems. Listening to phone calls with satellites....ninja please. As if the U.S. would ever work in conjunction with their oldest enemy, the British, or cooperate with that perennial scapegoat Canada. In your dreams, people. By the way, the Lunar Landing was shot in sub-basement C7 of a military base in the western U.S. with Hasselblad data cameras that can't possibly withstand the radiation of space travel. Deal with it. Oh, and Santa Claus isn't real either. Sorry to burst your collective bubble.



Installments two, three, four, and five.

'Wanted' Screenshots

Filmschoolrejects has just published a series of images from the upcoming movie Wanted. Needless to say, they are totally badass. Angelina Jolie has been up for nomination within the Ninja brotherhood before, but sadly, Tomb Raider sucked and her application for Ninja awesome-ness was denied. From the looks of this movie, she just might make it this time. Morgan Freeman's already a well respected Ninja so if nothing else, she'll get some credit for ninja-by-association.

Digg - A Microcosm Of A Wasted Heritage

Digg is good for many things. Like finding things that circulated a few years ago or keeping up with the latest XKCD strips and Yahtzee videos. However, it has come to our attention that an alarming majority of people out there are morons who leave stupid comments and generally drown good stories in the mires of suck. But that's the beauty of teh internets.

More interesting are the comics and articles that poke fun at Digg, and then become hugely popular on Digg because everyone knows they're right. So then douchebags can write their douchebag comments agreeing with the comic/article that they are indeed, douchebags.

This story is a great example. It featured the image below from Drivl. As of this writing, that story had 4614 diggs and a whole lot of stupid douchebag comments. Another great Digg comic can be found here.



Avgar Ninja thinks ASCII Ackbars and blatant rickrolls are HI-larious but sadly immature. This is what your culture has embraced and encouraged. You would not last one second on the path of the ninja. And to teach you all a lesson, we are going to post a bunch of lines and pics from other forums so that you can always be reminded of your shame. This is your history, this is your heritage. We pity the offspring that will inevitably learn from your ways and continue the legacy of suck.








Check out this awesome video [Not a Rickroll]

I for one welcome our [robot/insect/zombie/etc.] overlords

F*CK The RIAA <-this one might have some merit

pwned

ROFLCOPTER/ZOMG/n00b/1337

New Season, New Music

Ninjas don't ever take vacations per se, but our kill volumes substantially drop off during the summer months. No one is quite sure why, but it seems less people need killing when it's warm and sunny out. Now would be a good time to brush up on some sweet tunes so have an earfull.